本研究以敘事研究方法，藉由分析我的故事，探究自我在生命不同時期面對死亡的事件與死亡觀的建構歷程。使用艾瑞克森（Erik H. Erikson）的心理社會發展理論（psychosocial developmental theory）、皮亞傑（Jean Piaget）的認知發展學說，做為敘述個人面對死亡事件研究架構，發現敘事文中共有七個影響自我死亡觀建構的重要經驗：小學時期發生的「兒童遊戲中被埋葬的小麻雀」和「國小時同儕的死亡經驗」事件，讓我建立了成熟的死亡概念；「弟弟和國中同學的疾病發作」經驗引發我面對死亡時的自卑、無助及罪惡感受；在「長輩的死亡與死亡儀式」中，除了建立了宗教性的死亡概念—「死後世界的存在」、「生命具輪迴性」之外，也讓我對於原本所處家庭及社會環境所教導，「不談論死亡」的態度感到質疑；這樣的質疑到「寵物的死亡」經驗中，更轉變成自我對「不可談論死亡」態度的反動力量；大學時的「離家經驗」，使我將死亡與分離和失落、悲傷等負面情緒劃上等號；而在大學護理教育所學習的西方醫學知識，讓我學習到可以用「愛」與「生命意義」來對付面臨死亡的恐懼。但也因多次遭遇到的他人死亡經驗，使得初建立的應對方法無疾而終。本研究讓我更深入的觀察到自我生命意義的轉換過程。這個發現可以採用歐文?亞隆（Irvin D. Yalom）對意義的說明和區分，來呈現出自我生命意義的變化。我原本擁有的「人間意義」，因為死亡和分離所帶來負面情緒的衝擊，使整個自我的意義系統落入「無意義」的危機，心理發展理論的分析依舊無法解決「無意義」的困擾。之後，藉著與宗教的相遇和信仰的追尋，加上對「宇宙意義」的認識，讓自我的生命意義邁向另一個不同的層次。 This study was to go into the building-up progresses which selfhood faces death events and death concept in particular periods of life by my narratives (narrative research). In this research, it used “psychosocial developmental theory” by Erik H. Erikson and “Cognitive-developmental theory ” by Jean Piaget as study framework when describing a person faces death event; then, we found out there are seven important experiences which affected self-death constructivism: “finding out a buried sparrow when children were playing” and “ a classmate’ death experience” in elementary school period made me establish a mature death concept; “younger brother and junior high school classmate’s diseases breaking out” experience bringing about self-abased, helpless, and guilty feeling; “an elder’s death and death ceremony” not only established religious death concepts – “death world’s existence” and “Samsara transmigration of souls”, but also called in question about “not talking about death” attitude which had been taught in primitive family and society; the same suspicion in “death of pet” experience took a turn to counter-revolution toward “not talking about death”; “running away from home” experience made me make off an equal sign between separation negative feelings, such as depressed and sadness , and death’s; western medical knowledge which I’ve been taught in college’s nursing education made me learn to use “love” and “Life meaning” to encounter great fear about death; however, this dealing matter had been disintegrate quickly after encountering several times of other people’s death experiences.This research made me observe the switching processes of life meaning thoroughly. In this discovery, we could adopt Irvin D. Yalom’s statement of differentiate about the meaning to present the changing of life meaning. The original “Life meaning” had been impacted by negative feelings of death and separation; so the meaning of life suddenly became “meaningless”, even developmental psychology theory could not solve the persecution of “meaningless”. After that, self meaning of life had been upgraded to different level by way of aspiring after religious belief and understanding of “Cosmic meaning”.
